how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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