New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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