My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"