I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.