i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess