You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.