I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
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I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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