Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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