Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize