Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
