Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
