trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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