im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT