Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
