i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize