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well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
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