Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.