When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.