dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
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I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle