There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
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she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
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I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.