Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night