no, he came in my armpit
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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