Just cropdusted the office
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend