Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
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VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
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Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit