I faked an abortion last night.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.