I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
this beer tastes like vomit already
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
