Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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