Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
