My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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