There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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