After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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