Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
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