there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I have already put on my inside pants.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
