I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
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you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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