My Higher Power is John Stamos
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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