I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
