Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.