Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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