you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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