In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
