When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
