I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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