I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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