Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
