my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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