you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
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my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
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in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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