you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
