No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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