My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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