I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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