Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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