Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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