You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
