its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...