Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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