when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
