Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
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Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
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I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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