Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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