About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
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And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
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You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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